Last year we moved from a 1200 sq ft home to a 3000 sq ft home.  The #1 most important thing for me when we were looking for a new home was SPACE.  I did not care about upgrades, fancy appliances, granite countertops or crown moulding.  I just wanted plenty of room for my 4 kids to get out of my hair & good office space for my business since I work from home.  In our old house, one of our kids was rooming with my husband & I (granted she was a newborn but I still bruised my leg every time I tried to get in my bed & hit her bassinet) and my entire business was run out of a bedroom closet that I turned into an office (not a walk in closet, mind you).  I’m SO grateful to now have ample room for everyone to have their own space, and my husband & I to each have a private office.  Space is something that is important to me with a large family.  When we moved in and friends would visit I heard “wow, now you need to go shopping to buy things to fill this place up!” multiple times.  I wonder why that is?  What’s wrong with having empty spaces?  I, like every North American woman I’m sure, have great appreciation for a beautifully designed home – every nook & cranny thoughtfully decorated and adorned.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that – but I also find beauty in a simple space.  Less clutter, less to over take your mind, less to dust.  

For awhile, I actually felt embarrassed to have guests over and see my “simple” space – not yet filled to the brim with possessions.  That is until I started cleaning out my kitchen.  

In my old home our kitchen was TINY.  Besides appliances, there were exactly 3 cabinets.  I cussed every time I had to find a spice when cooking because they were all jammed into one little spot.  Our new house has such a great kitchen size – it was one of the first things I loved about it.  We joked when we moved in about how my cabinet space drastically increased & “I don’t even have enough to come close to filling these cabinets out!”  Well guess what, one year later & those bad boys are packed.  And as I cleaned things out of them to trash or send to Goodwill, I quickly noticed that SO MUCH OF IT are things that I simply don’t need!  But by golly, there was a space & it needed filled.  Mission accomplished?

Don’t be afraid of an empty cabinet, an empty drawer, an empty room. 

I’m working to practically make the changes in my life that I feel are necessary to live out the intentional living that I’ve been speaking of the last few weeks.  After reading Notes from a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider (and convincing my husband to read it as well – he devoured it in 2 days, by the way) I am left with a laundry list of changes that I want to see made in our family’s life, but no direct map on how to get those completed.

Some areas that I want to see change in:

-Being more intentional with how we spend our time & resources
-Choosing to say “no” to things so that we may say “yes” to others
-Spending more time exploring as a family
-Choosing to live simply
-Enjoying travel more
-Less time spent in front of a screen, more time spent being creative or enjoying surroundings

These are changes that we will slowly implement (failing lots, I’m sure).  I’ve started putting my money where my mouth is with these & it’s felt really great.  There have been a few times the last few weeks that I have dropped whatever I felt like I needed to go (sit on my rear surfing Facebook namely) to take the kids out to explore.  This last weekend, we took them hiking & to a creek.  They had SO. MUCH. FUN.  And you know what else?  It was surprisingly relaxing for my husband & I.  Of course I was a little stressed about a kid falling on a rock or slipping in the water, but overall, they were so content with picking up rocks and throwing them in the creek (over and over and over again) that I was able to sit down, put my toes in the water & breathe in deep.  No one asking me for anything.  Nature was giving them all they needed.  And bonus?  It was free.  #simpleliving

I’ve also been working to get rid of unnecessary STUFF.  We just have SO much stuff!  It’s frankly a really overwhelming project to take on because I don’t even know where to start.  I’m committing to “hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection” on this one because although I want this done overnight, I know it will take a long time.  I worked on just the kids toys that are on the first floor of the house yesterday & it took 3 hours.  That’s NOT including their bedrooms or the actual “toy room” which is saying A LOT about how much excess there is.

We are committed to enjoying more of LIFE and less of STUFF, which for us also includes traveling more.  I am admittedly a culture junkie, so international travel is important to me.  I am not naive enough to think that I can do it frequently or luxuriously with my 4 littles in tote (especially at their current ages), but it is something I am making a game plan for.  After traveling internationally for missions work for years “in the days of my youth” I have greatly missed getting out & seeing the world.  I recently went to Italy for a work project & it renewed that sense of wanderlust that I’ve tucked away for all of these years.  I’m currently scheming with a friend to make my next international trip happen soon-ish.

We are also looking forward to traveling more with our kids, which for now for us means staying state-side.  We have an upcoming trip to Lake Michigan which we are looking forward to, and planning our next family adventure after that.  It is important to us that our kids get out & see the world around them.  And as old as it may make me sound to say this, I feel that is MORE important now in this day and age when people are substituting experience for a pretty Pinterest photo & calling it a day.

A little known thing about being a wedding photographer – we have to eat dinner at the same time as the bride & groom.  As soon as the bridal party finishes their meal, toasts (or other formalities) begin immediately (as the rest of the guests eat their meals) so in order to both eat & shoot everything, we have to eat early & quickly.  This can be awkward when we are seated with guests at a table in the back of the room, waiting for the buffet captain to come by and dismiss our table to the line.  Recently at a wedding, this was the case so I kindly told the other ladies at our table “please don’t think we are rude – but we have to skip to the front of the line & go grab food quickly” and explained the situation.  They were completely gracious & smiled & said it was fine – but one in particular said “It’s cool, girl!  I would never even have thought anything of it if you hadn’t said anything.  I don’t sweat the small things!”

Her words have stuck with me.  And for a conversation so small & seemingly insignificant to stay with me in this way, shows me that I have something to learn here.

I’m picturing myself if the tables were turned.  I’m a guest, who knows nothing about the duties of a wedding photographer, sitting at my table waiting to eat & watch this photographer come back with a steaming plate of food while my friends & I continue to be hungry.  If I’m being honest & knowing myself, I know I’d be BITCHING under my breath.  For sure.  “What the hell!?  Did they not hear that we are supposed to wait for the guy to come dismiss our table??  How rude is that?!”  It would bother me.  Like, a lot.  That is why the words from this stranger have stuck with me.  “I don’t sweat the small things.  It’s cool, girl.”

I’m finding in order to make the more simplistic lifestyle that I’m striving towards work, I have to incorporate this attitude.  For instance, right now my boys are running their trains all over my hard wood floors.  That seriously makes me want to scream because surely they’re going to get scuffed up.  But then I have to ask myself “does this really matter?”  I want my kids to enjoy their home.  I want them to enjoy their toys.  I surely can’t expect them to drive their trains on the boring carpet all the time.  So instead of getting myself all worked up about this, I’m choosing to say “it’s cool.”

I put my money where my mouth is last week & took my kids exploring one random afternoon (when I really just wanted to lay around on my rump scrolling through Instagram).  I decided that despite the hassle it is to me to haul 4 kids out in the heat, they needed an afternoon to get out & enjoy their surroundings.  I took them to a local park that they hadn’t been to before where there are also abandoned “fort” type building & the woods to tromp around in.  They climbed in places I might not normally let them & got covered in mud.  And I said to myself, “it’s cool, girl.  Let them be”.  And I did.  And they had a blast.  It was simple, and free (both “freeing” and economically free).  On the way home my knee jerk reaction was to swing through a drive-thru and grab lunch or at least a drink for myself – but I pushed that aside & instead stopped at a local farm to buy each kid a fresh peach.  So simple.  So free.

Those little choices are the things that really make living a more simple life a reality.  Going with the flow, saying “no” to unnecessary frustrations, experiencing life outside of my own box, spending less, and enjoying more.

I feel like this blog now needs a new name, because these are NOT my notes from naptime.  The twins are no longer napping, and of course my oldest is far beyond napping years.  As I type this the 3 boys are running around the house throwing cars and acting like complete lunatics (despite my pleas for silence).  I still have my sweet baby girl taking naps, so let us hope that continues for a long time.  Anywho, I will attempt to write amongst the noise.  

I’ve had a bit of an awakening & am at a great fork in the road.  I can choose to continue traveling along the road I am currently on – A well paved road in the ‘burbs.  A road filled with no time, constantly rushing from one thing to the next.  A road where I pass my husband like a silent ship in the night as we trade off the kids one parent to the next so I can move along to a meeting after he returns from a day full of them.  This road offers the financial stability to take a vacation, but no time for vacations.  The ability to buy lots of “things” – none of which quench the real desires I have.  This road is what people (our country, our culture, our suburban way of life) expect.

The alternative road looks damn scary.  It’s not well manicured, there are loads of weeds and potholes in the wilderness but everyone strolling along it looks so happy.  They don’t have whatever the new trendy item is that all of the Joneses are buying these days.  When they travel they stay in a 3 star hotel instead of 5.  But… they travel.  Because they have time to do so.  Their lives are more stripped down to the things that really (genuinely) matter to them.  Less fuss, more time.  This road is unexpected, and I hear the folks on the well paved road whisper that only the hippies with no well thought-out long term plan travel on this path.

The thing is friends, I have been analyzing things as of late and making mental lists of what I like and don’t like about life.  So broad, I know – but in order to REALLY determine which path I need to be on some soul searching is required.  Here’s what I know.

I want to enjoy my life.  I want to suck every drippy bit of marrow from it.  I heard from a pulpit years ago “you have no promise of tomorrow” and only now as I creep into my mid-30’s is that finally hitting home.  I do not want to look back at my life & see all of the things I did by the book, while forsaking all of the things that actually bring me joy.

Some examples:

-Buying items from high end retailers that are lovely & are expected to be in my nice home.  What really happens?  I push away feelings of guilt after the purchase because I KNOW that I didn’t really need them.  Oddly enough, what actually brings me real JOY in shopping is finding an amazing killer deal, buying handmade items from small businesses, or re-doing a thrift shop find & making it into something unique.

-Work.  Work, work, work.  I actually made the decision for myself a few years ago to cut back greatly on the amount of work I accepted as to not loose my mind.  It was truly a fantastic choice.  Instead I can focus on what I genuinely love doing (and I do love my job).  Meanwhile, however, my husband is out of the home from early in the morning until it’s almost time for the kids to get in bed, doing a job he has no passion for whatsoever.  It’s a job, and we are thankful for that, don’t misunderstand.  But why is he doing this?  It’s expected.

-One of my deepest passions in life is traveling.  It brings me joy in a way that nothing else does besides my children (when they’re not being raging lunatics).  However, we have never been on a vacation as a family.  Ever.  Why?  No time.  My husband & I have never traveled internationally together (though we both have many times separately).  That friends, is dumb.  

Definition of dumb:  b :  showing a lack of intelligence.  

Does it not seem like a giant lack of intelligence that we are not spending time doing something that we LOVE doing?  Is it not really (really!) dumb that we are spending all our time working to pay for our lives (which bring us little satisfaction) instead of LIVING our lives (and feeling satisfied?) all to be sure we stay on that nice paved road in the ‘burbs?

Internet, know this.  Change is a comin’ to this household.  When I think about the times that I had the most fun in my life, a large chunk of those were at a time that I was a (poor) missionary living in a shanty of a ‘house’ (if we can even call it that) with literally not a dollar to my name.  I wore crappy old clothes, definitely used Suave shampoo (99 cents, holla’), hitched a ride in my boyfriends super shitty car to the library to log-on to my email (wayyyyy before the years of Facebook & cell phones being common place) and when I spent time with my friends we did a big ol’ bunch of nothing – and loved every second of it.  Instead of cocktails at a swanky bar downtown, we split a cherry limeade from the local drive-in out of a styrofoam cup.  I distinctly remember hunting for change in the couches in the community living room so that 15 of us could pile in the back of a friends truck to go to the drive in movies, and it being a great time.  I was financially bankrupt, but emotionally & spiritually the richest I’ve ever been.  I read an article recently, where the author noted how little money he spends when he is traveling overseas.  Most of the time you’re out of touch with technology, which means no Pinterest, commercials, or Instagram photos showing you what you “need” to be buying.  I found this to be true on a recent trip to Italy.  I actually WANTED to buy things, but wanted so much more to get out and experience the culture, be immersed in the sounds and smells of life around me, therefore shopping was low on the priority list.  I was unplugged & it felt so good.

Somewhere along the way, we got confused that growing up must means turning away from all of that & living a nice, comfortable life.  If what I’m living now is supposed to be what what we are all striving for, then wow… what a let down.  It’s time for change.   

——————–

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.
-1 Timothy 6:17

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Delight yourself in the Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart.
-Psalm 37:4

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”
-Helen Keller

I’m at a point in my life in which I’m determined to make some changes.  For myself.  That are about me.  Me, me, me.

“Wow, this woman is so selfish!”

Right?  I know this is what some people reading this are thinking.  I don’t blame you!  I feel the same way.  Which is why I know there’s a problem.  Here’s a few other ways I’ve realized something is not in balance here.

*I do a load of laundry.  The only clothes in the load are MINE.  Not my husbands, nothing that belongs to my 4 kids… just mine.  And I feel guilty about that.

*My kids go down for a nap, which means I can now eat lunch.  There’s a TV show that I missed being able to watch last week that I’d like to watch while I eat lunch.  But the voice in my head says I can’t JUST eat lunch & watch TV!  If I’m going to sit down long enough to eat, then I need to do something productive while I’m doing that like work at the computer.

Dear Self, it’s LAUNDRY.  It’s already a chore.  Why am I now giving myself guilt trips about doing chores!?  And people who work 9-5 at a “normal” job get a lunch break – so why again am I not allowing myself that?

Friends, this is when I decided I needed to make a change.  This is absolutely a change about myself – giving myself permission to relax, to take care of my own needs, and to not feel guilty about it.  However, I’m convinced that out of that change I will also see a change in the rest of the household.  A husband who comes home to a wife that isn’t grumpy & stressed out can’t be a bad thing.  Kids who have a mom that is taking time to connect with them more throughout the day rather than checking things off her to-do list will undoubtedly be more pleasant.  A family that sees a less stressed & more relaxed mom….  This isn’t a change just about “me, me, me” – it’s for the greater good.

Sometimes I make life far too complicated.  I weigh it down with things that don’t really matter.  Expectations, tasks, mindsets – that get me nowhere closer to feeling “whole”.  Time to strip life down & simplify.

I was in the boys bathroom tonight helping the twins (age 2) brush their teeth before bed.  I pulled the toothpaste out of the drawer only to find it completely empty.  Dry as a bone.  This tube of toothpaste that we bought YESTERDAY is now empty?  And dammit if it isn’t the fancy organic toothpaste because, you know, buying that makes me feel like I’m a better mom (maybe that makes up for me going off on the kids for being too loud in the van on the way to the grocery store?).   I busted into our oldest sons bedroom (who I knew was the guilty one here) & told him yet AGAIN to only use a pea sized dollop of toothpaste on his brush.  I would have sent him to his room or something too, but he was already grounded for being a turd all day.  Sigh.  I finally squeeze a tiny bit out from another empty tube in the drawer (because God knows no one in this house can just throw something away when it’s all gone) and got the boys teeth brushed.  Somewhere in the middle of this process, I caught of glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror.

“How do you do this?!”  I said to the reflection.

I suddenly felt like I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me – and genuinely wondered how this woman does this job.  I mean, seriously.  Running a business from home single-handledly with a VERY feisty 6 year old, TWO boys in the terrible twos, and a 6 month old baby.  Dude.  I think sometimes I am going SO. FAST. in autopilot mode I don’t stop to look up – and realize that I AM doing a lot.  And sometimes I am horrible at all of it.  And I pray that my children don’t need therapy because I am a crappy mom.  But sometimes I do okay.  …and I need to give myself a little credit for holding this house & job together.

Moms, give yourself a little credit today.  You kick ass.  Even on the awful days when little things like empty toothpaste tubes send you over the edge.